She rode me to the beat of Baby Got Back. I swear to god.
I just jerked off and used a stopwatch to track my results. Pretty depressing on multiple fronts.
That was the scariest sex i've ever heard....
It was the best sex i've ever had.
Apparently I confessed my love for him last night. Also, my love for cash4gold commercials.
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
there is a dude in the bar with no arms getting fed beers by his friends
I was informed last night that im not allowed to pick up the bouncers and carry them around anymore. Last sat is starting to make more sense
It was almost awkward to look at you naked while listening to Circle of Life. Just saying.
Hooked up with 8 guys, puked 4 times, got a few bruises, and my face is still numb... I think this visit has truly impacted my college decision
What's the best way to say, "it's too early in our relationship to leave me at your place alone"? Steal something?
I'm just going to eat my milkshake, watch teen wolf, masturbate, and lament my inability to form meaningful relations with men who aren't gay
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
Thinking of someone think of me while masturbating while I masturbate. & that's how the over thinkers do it ✌️
Good dick will make you do a lot of things… Great dick will make you consider buying a house.
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
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