She made me repeat after her: "I take responsibility for what I put in my own mouth."
So, during a 20 minute shower I spent 19 minutes spinning in circles and 1 minute licking the wall, and it was better than sex. I can't wait to do X again.
It's not my fault I help girls realize they're lesbians.
I'm partying with my neighbors right now, and by "with my neighbors" I mean they are partying in their backyard and I'm partying in mine, and by "partying" I mean I'm sitting here alone drinking tequila.
peeing off your aunts pourch into the koy pond seemed like a good idea at the time
I need to find a more grown up way of dealin with a hangover at the office than pringles and mountain dew at 8:30 am...
They were taking shots out of the caps of perfume bottles. This is too much for me.
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
idk but i can hear her singing "Call Me Maybe" really slowly and emotionally in the shower right now
I don't care how great the sex was, I cannot unsee what has been seen. I regret ever stalking his Facebook.
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
I just got back like 5 minutes ago, I have two champagne bottles that I carried with me on the train home and a Dunkin donuts coffee cup full of stolen butter, I've been in a windowless room for the last 6 hours, time does not exist
what is your life
Free champagne that's what
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
We all love a big dick, but you’re going to develop a reputation if you keep asking every guy at the bar ‘how big your dick’
That’s all I’m saying
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