My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
I cannot remember December 31 for the past 3 years. it might as well not even exist on my calendar anymore
You know you hit rock bottom when you make out with a guy named after a cereal.
She tags her boyfriend in all of her pictures on her heart...
Out of beer. Salsa pong. Never again.
I HAVE MY OWN TITS FOR THAT AND I CAN GUARANTEE THAT THEYRE MORE GLORIOUS
Anything you tell me within three minutes of an orgasm isn't even being recorded in my head.
I'm glad I booty called you last night. It was nice to see you and talk, in between all the sex...
she just nodded and said "yeah, I'd fuck him for a reese's peanut butter cup". it's so nice to know I'm not the biggest whore living here
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
You got this. You survived the RA last semester (granted you almost got arrested but still.)
Suffice to say, I think if people ask about your bruises, and you look them right in the eye, and say "they're from fucking...", people would be like, "respect."
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
Randomize
