so i walked in, looked up the stairs and all i saw was smashed pumpkin, tube socks, and marinara sauce
i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
we are cooking lunchables pizzas on a fire pit.
Currently standing on top of my parents leather couch with no pants on playing helicoptor with my penis. You?
Having a pigeon watch you poop is just creepy. Drunk or not.
Turns out shot glasses hold the perfect serving of sour patch kids....I still fail to see how not having any real glasses is an issue
did you really just refer to me me as an old fashioned penis?
You were doing karaoke. Then you screamed "SHOUTOUT TO ADAM LAMBERT" and started making out with the very surprised looking guy next to you.
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
You were fucked up like a footballbat trying to eat gum off your shoe. And that wasn't even the nights lowest point.
words I never want to hear dad say again: "Trevor you sexy man you"
You don't know true terror until you get stuck in a porta potty while frying your face off.
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
I said I wanted pizza tattoo on my ass and the tattooist asked me what I wanted on it.
I just saw a guy in a zippo shirt buy 2 gallons of fire starter fluid and then proceed to smoke a cigarette. I feel like hes got some big plans for his tuesday.
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