My sis friend said it was fake then described it as "scary"...greatest adj ever applied to my dick
They should make Jack Daniels chap stick
You drew a self portrait of yourself on his wall with sharpie.
At one point I was double fisting both beer & ice cream. I love public events in this town.
I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
The maintenance guy at work just asked me out for a drink. For once, I proudly said that I was 20.
Watching porn with a bag of marshmallows. Thats when you know you're stoned.
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
Irrelevant. Does he have queso? That's the real question.
Do you have any need for a scary clown mask?
I have to masturbate tonight while watching every Paul Walker movie ever made. It's what he would have wanted. RIP Paul.
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
I know I'm going to throw up tonight it's just a matter of when and where
I swear he is my soulmate. He kept feeding me goldfish while we were fucking. Who wouldn't enjoy that while having sex.
Randomize
