I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
So all semester this guy and girl have been talking, and today is the last class and we are doing nothing. I would have skipped but I want to see if he seals the deal or pusses out. It's like a season finale.
My 54 year old father just sent me a YouTube link on my school email titled "Walrus sucks his own dick" and then wrote in the email "I wish I were a walrus". What the fuck is wrong with my family?
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
I just got kidnapped by the rugby team for a scavenger hunt. I'm "the girl you had sex with last night"
... They left for 10 minutes and came back with a lobster he's in the toilet downstairs
Just came out of my room at 8 AM to find 2 pounds of raw hamburger and a half eaten cake strewn across the hallway. And I'm not surprised at all.
I'm still not a hundred percent.. I haven't shit anything solid in two days.. I have pulled my puker muscles and I can't take deep breaths cuz of other unidentified muscles/maybe heart attack
you goin out tonight?
who is this.
your orgasm for tonight
Check the bible. I hear he keeps his weed in leviticus.
It's been a long time since I got "Talk about Glen's enormous penis" drunk
He's bringing a lesbian pretending to be his girlfriend to family Christmas. I can not wait to see how this goes.
I just gave them my two week notice. Now is the perfect time to fuck my boss's son
I’m pretty sure I have teeth marks on my neck
JUST BECAUSE I ANSWER THE DOOR NAKED CARRYING A BOTTLE OF RUM DOESN'T MEAN YOU CAN STARE NEIGHBORS.
Randomize
