I will never underestimate my ability to drunken ramble. At one point last night i think i was talking about hieroglyphics
She looks makes a Zellweger face when she cums, she's keeps asking why I call her renee
What's the point of being healthy if people still don't want to fuck you?
and everything will be beautiful and nothing will hurt and we will eat nachos
Just peed in a urinal with another girl. It's that kind of night.
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
He crawled over to me grabbed my boob asked me if I liked cats and then passed out. If that's really my RA, it's gonna be a long year
I'd like to request an "its my birthday discount", and for you to bartend shirtless tonight ;)
Bro, she said my penis was the best thing to happen to her mouth since teeth.
I drank, I fought, I made my ancestors proud.
And then someone hit me with a pool cue
Dude they're making a condom for people who have no feeling in their penises that will make them able to have an orgasm. I love science
Steve brought 6 joints and 2 bottles of makers mark, Josh shat himself in the pool, and Amy blew me. Hope that extra 3 dollars an hour for working overnights is still worth it.
I don't think I'm gonna survive today. I don't remember how to walk. I must crawl 6 blocks to my bed.
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
Randomize
