I am tired of kissing girls with mustaches.
also since I use google voice my ads in gmail switched to DUI services after this conversation
It was a deal breaker when she told me not to wear a condom and god would decide if we were meant to be together.
It was like the perfect storm of bad decisions.
Woke up with eyeliner streaked down my face, glitter all over my bed, and holding half-eaten Jimmy Johns. Plus, my whole family's downstairs for Thanksgiving... Welcome to the shitshow that is my early 20s
Jacob lost his virginity in a threesome. I am deffs fucking this kid.
DURING A THUNDERSTORM ON HIS BIRTHDAY.
I think I just ate eggs off of a plate covered in cocaine.
Would giving a bouquet of flowers to my mother be a good way to say, "sorry you walked in on my boyfriend eating me out"?
Also if i get drunk and start crying about the elephants you all have my permission to abandon me.
Rough day
Good thing I've started drinking again
Girl you're stalking so hard you're gonna know both their social security numbers soon
Buying a new pipe this morning, and setting up career plans this afternoon. It's called balance
He said it was the classiest hand job he ever had because my nails were painted red. We need to go to nicer bars from now on.
I've never sung with balls in my mouth
This is what I get for listening to Christians.
Randomize
