My feet smell like cheese. Makes me hungry.
I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
my math professor just wrote "parallel" on the board, but spelled it "pararrel". guess what country he's from
I cannot remember December 31 for the past 3 years. it might as well not even exist on my calendar anymore
The last thing I remember is him grabbing my ass and telling me he knew where the jello shots were, so I followed him.
Wat the fuck dude ketchup in my bong???
during a bj, his alarm went off and he said "At the buzzer"
Ps. I feel like I may pee myself this weekend. Either drunkenly or out of excitement. Toss up
Idk. Im in a bed. the walls are wood. There's a deer mount.. im afraid to turn over and see who's next to me but he's violently cuddly.
You know how I've been hooking up with my ex? Well he told me he loved me and I said I was just there for sex so let's get it done. He looked sad, but he did it anyways. And life was good again.
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
they were drunk. and loud. and now they're drunk and quiet. or dead, you never know.
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
Randomize