dude you were so wasted last night you ate a sandwich made out of tomatos, cheese, doritos, salt & pepper. Then you heated it in the micro for 5 min to melt the cheese.
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
We got a party bus for the nite. I found out the hard way why stripper poles are meant for girls.
They showed a guy on tv in a Brady jersey and a sweatpants boner when the NE offense took the field. They didn't show his face. I hope that wasn't you.
So..he has a girlfriend BUT she rarely writes on her wall and is only in 5 of his 371 tagged photos and her default pic is her with some other dude. It cant be serious
Oh my god you need to get off of facebook.
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
I miss you too. And it was nice meeting your brother while I was mounting you
I peppersprayed myself last night. Sigh.
Nothing says I love you as your fiancé bringing back home your drunk brother from his own stag party
she doesn't even know what year it is. She just stumbles around life with a bottle of rum
fuck off. It's 10am and I'm drink gin and ginger ale through a twizzler straw. My life is marvellous
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
I cant believe you made me read bad furry sexts
Im bringing my light up rubber ducky just in case we end up at a rave tonight. HE CHANGES COLOR!
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