My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
separated laundry into 'got laid' and 'didn't get laid' piles.
was it me or did you scream 'champagne motherfucker' when you punched him in the face ??
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
the lesbians just got naked and went into the ocean... this never happened when i was a camper.
I haven't had a normal poop since halloween, we are not mixing vodka and tequila ever again
RESPECT THE VODQUILA
started my period, we have to try again next week
if we have anymore sex before that my dick is gonna fall off. that is in no way a complaint
I left your tip in your mailbox. Last night was amazing.
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
By the way, do you realize that you asked me how much you could get for your eggs last night. And once you learned the price said that you had plenty to share.
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
Woke up pants less in the vacant apartment across the hall. It was unlocked because they were showing it to someone. When they walked in I woke up and said "this is a great place to live" and walked out
Just bought a gingerbread house kit and pregnancy tests. Happy holidays.
Ugh. I just found a cum stain on my mermaid pants. Now I can't return them.
It's difficult to focus on bonds when you know your classmate peed in your mouth
Randomize
