Instead of peeing my cute lil blue panties I peed in the train parking lot in front of an asian.
remind me to tell you what i found stuck to me this morning
I admit it's going to be hard to top a limo orgy and Mcnuggets....but I have faith in you
i mad aa ber float. budweiser nd ice creem. it amzig.
I knew I was rolling hard when I realized I had been rubbing the couch for an hour
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
I woke up with jello shots in pant pockets so I must've had fun
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
He drunk texted me what I think is two snails fucking on a mushroom. Is "you sick bastard" too mild a rejection?
I dont understand why so many people are content staying in and avoiding alcohol and sex
he's like crack. I can't be in the same room with him while drunk and not do him.
I swam, I rode a bicycle, I rode a horse, I danced. It was like a real life tampon advert.
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
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