Just ate lunch with a paperclip again. Seriously, need to invest in plastic forks.
I love seeing you outside of a bar. It's like seeing a dog walk on its hind legs
best line ever after sex today..."wow, that was a porn-star sized load"
Just saw a drunk guy clapping and cheering for a chipmunk climbing up a tree. Classic
i think that after ALREADY drinking that much, the tube shots may have been a bad idea.. i mean afterall, i did wake up and find my cell phone IN the bonfire the next morning.
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
His dick is hereby named Charles Dickens. Will's is less cerebral. I'd like to call it Pinnacle like the vodka we drank when we hooked up, but I feel like that's a compliment it doesn't deserve.
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
So, it's been almost 3 months and and I still dont know her last name. That's gotta be a record.
She took a six hour road trip with me so I could have revenge sex with my ex's brother. That is the definition of a best friend.
Nothing says "Hello, Adulthood!" quite like receiving a dick photo at 11AM from a guy you haven't heard from since fifth grade.
I had my room mate call my phone after last night and it was in an uncooked quesadilla
All I could think about while we were fucking was what Hogwarts house he would be in
she said a prayer for the pipe you broke. she did the sign of the cross and everything
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