how hairy? two words: wookie tits
I think i found piece of your tooth in my dick this morning when i took a shower
He's warming up to shark week, by only eating fish and drinking vodka, and all the time he keeps yelling "death to the seals!"
Nicee. Atleast your phone doesn't change pen in to PENISsSSSSSSS like mine does
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
So the old dude that tried to fight me is definitely Katie's dad. And the pot cookie's kicking in. Shit is getting weird.
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
you said you wanted to call me grandma and give me hugs
Well I didn't know she was a dominatrix...so I kind of just went with it
So I'm hiding in my bathroom smoking bowls because my landlords kids came over to visit my dog... My life has reached a new low
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
Fuck you. Fuck this party. I just wanted to be pretty with a cute little tiara and boys sucking my tits, now i have a hangman game drawn on my face and jello shots in my hair.
I wanted to give you a great birthday party. You know I did.
i swear a herd of elephants who like to smoke weed lives directly above our room
I mean she's doing calculus in her head to prove how NOT drunk she is.
Randomize