Crown is evil. It plays hide and seek with my morals
You drinking a lot?
No.
Define a lot
Apparently they shut down a cook out cause people were selling drugsout the drive thru. Nice to be home
What's everyones problem with my costume?!
It looks like a unicorn came on your face.
Well he's in a two year college so technically hes a senior. At least can we just pretend I'm not robbing the cradle.
after we had sex he told me his original plan was to have sex with my roommate but his buddy likes her so i was backup
I think the main reason you were throwing up so much was the quart of soap you chugged trying to burp bubbles. you came close
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
You started an entire relationship based only on sex and emoticons.
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
Micheal let me call him captain america while we fucked. It was awesome
I have sent texts to the pizza delivery guy telling him he was beautiful. Oh and you almost got a ticket for pissing in public. And I smell like cheese.
He's teaching me French for free and I'm giving him blowjobs. Win-win.
Dude, my back STILL hurts from carrying the team on BP last night.
Randomize
