I seriously love my fucking boobs. They are so boobs.
I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
wait a second. did i just remember you the other night referring to your tits as tia and tamara.....
No driving. The car is spinning. I am praying for mcdonalds.
My mom just set up beer pong in the dining room for family game night. and you ask why I'm still living at home.
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
Man I sound like a slutty Mormon
I AM DRUNK AND AGGRESSIVE ABOUT CURLING!
The US is in the finals, aren't they.
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
Listen gotta draw the line somewhere. Apparently that line is at my nuts.
Its nights like last night that make me want to high five my liver.
Randomize
