he actually used the line "do you have a map, because i'm lost in your eyes" and i was to drunk to care
so sad. i just ate the last good 'n' plenty out of the bottom of my purse.
Mid thrust he tells me that we have bio together
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
She just opened a six pack of corona with her car door ... I had no idea she was such a skilled drunk
That's all? I'm a pro at gay chicken. I'll touch his dick, I have no problem with that.
he kept saying that we were in ian's fun time place and then continued to act like a dinosaur.
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
Really? I thought your parents stopped loving you when you drunkenly fell through the ceiling...
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
There's only two more days left to say you saw me naked this year.....I'll bring the booze, you got all of next year to rationalize why.
He said a lot of nice things about me, it was really uncalled for.
You mom sent me some article linking anal sex, damaged prostates and sterility. Does she still think your gonna go straight and have kids one day?
Probably not. Getting pulled over and puking my guts out on the side of the road in front of the cop and him making fun of me, was not my finest moment. Plus I lost my debit card.
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
Randomize
