Well the bottom line is that I had to completely coat my testicles in Neosporin.
There is no point in being painfully greyhound thin if you are then going to dress like it's raining in 1992.
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
Are you seriously gonna shit with that life vest on?
also, I just found three random bruises on my knee. probably from when I was velcrod to the stairs
he broke up with her mid blow job, and somehow convinced her to finish. I want his life
Yeah like 200 white people came and they are playing that one Biggie Smalls song everyone knows.
I was short on money so I let my roommate mase me for $60
Ps there is nothing more humbling in the world than havin to watch cheaper by the dozen on the waiting room tv while getting the morning after pill at the drs. Nothing
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
Didn't want to waste the cheese dust from the white cheddar popcorn, so I gave him a handjob, followed by the most delicious blowjob ever. Win-win.
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
I just remembered how you stole the slinky from me. Bitch, I will NEVER forgive you.
Randomize
