so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
it was almost as awkward as hearing my parents on friday nights in 2 in the morning starting, and than hearing at 2:01 my dad getting up and my mom going "i should have married a man"
I hate myself for saying your mom and I have the same friday nights.
don't worry... so do I
i'm not sure if i'm mentally prepared for this.. politeness? proper grammar? book reader ? this is a whole new meaning of the species penis for me.
If you're trying to subtly tell me that I look like Connie Chung, just stop it. I already know.
Definately laid on the floor of the shower this morning drinking the water as it fell on me.
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
I just had my first non-cocaine-induced nosebleed for the first time in 2 years. This calls for a celebration.
trust me. coming from a bonafide dirtbag, this dude is up to shady shit
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
I feel like I have a very capable uterus.
I just moved my 11am hair appointment to 8am so I could blackout at noon. Who am I?
I woke up with a black eye and a buttplug...not sure I really want to know what happened.
i doubt you are even in possession of a crowbar.
I suggest you not find out the hard way
you have 30 seconds to convince me not to grab this guy's crotch in front of his girlfriend
Randomize