Who was more unwelcome: The two of us at the party last night, or Kimmy Gibler at the Tanner residence?
dont seek real advice from me tonight cause its always gonna end with we should have sex
Hey its the Filipino guy from last night. I just wanted to say sorry my friend bled all over your driveway. Great party though.
you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
Dude that bathroom stall was not tall enough to be doing lines in, guys kept peeking over and giving us high fives
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
I'm silent, like a masturbating ninja.
hey give me heads up if you're feeling vulnerable tomorrow night
Fulfilled a bucket list goal last night. Borrowed a dollar from a stripper to buy smokes
God bless Atlanta.
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
I just got nudes while talking in the third person. Not sure if I Should be proud or ashamed.
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
We were making out on the floor and his 13 year old beagle crawled in between us & just sat there...I got cockblocked by an ancient beagle named Bubba
I'm still thinking about that amazing orgasm last night. I literally heard angels singing "Hallelujah!!"
Randomize
