with your flexibility, and the size of my penis, amazing things are possible.
you sat in the middle of your kitchen floor feeding your dog blueberries one by one
Miller High Life will be the death of me. Well, that and shower sex.
This from the guy I found eating salad out of a pot lid in his boxers on his porch last night.
Dude, I think shitting blood should be a cause for concern not celebration that you had a great night.
Sometimes crazy just comes naturally. I don't need booze to say that on occasion I feel the need to rip off my asshole and throw it against the fridge to see if it sticks.
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
The only math I use in every day life is figuring out how much I can spend on alcohol and still have money to pay my bills. High school lied to us.
I snorted xanax while wearing reindeer antlers. Prancer gone wild. Have a merry Christmas.
If it's any consolation, I made really strong brownies yesterday and had 3 and then I saw demons
He's tiny, but ripped. Like a stacked hobbit. He's going to pull our sexy, crime-fighting rickshaw.
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
Going to the pool bar doesn’t exactly count as “exploring”
Kid walks in and orders 24 Mcdoubles and 14 large fries, as he's handing me the money he tells me he lost at rock paper scissors so he had to do the munchie run.
you were screaming "I don't need a shirt!" repeatedly while in the process of taking it off and flashing the bouncer. we got kicked out. thanks a lot.
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