when you find your car can you pick me up? his mom is here and im hungover
i just watched a video of two girls fucking with a banana and i thought of you.
i hate you
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
Life lesson learned last night, if you are too drunk to use the atm leave the strip club
And then somehow we were arguing over how to fold our arms
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
Holy hangover, going dancing with family good idea, taking the last shot with the transvestite bar owner not so much...
I'm never going to adult. I'm staying a child. The only thing related to adult that I want to do is you.
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
You seem to be avoiding the poop question. How did you poop on your hand?
We were all having a bath, the three of us, then that drug dealer guy walked in and peed. Sitting down. Apparently he didn't want to offend us.
Yo i still have 5 hrs left of work. I should not be this drunk
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
momentary stint on a second floor library computer...guy next to me snorted blue adderall off his notebook through a cut straw, i cant tell if this guy is my hero or just plain crazy...
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
Randomize