Hold on im havin a staring contest with my cat
She asked me how I live with myself. I told her one night at a time.
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
He's got serious oatmeal ass...take a moment and admire how google voice to text was able to detect oatmeal ass....twice
I'm not sure if it was sex or spear fishing. He goes in for it like he's crash landing a rocket
She licked EVERYTHING then yelled at me in Spanish. I just kept saying SI.
You know, having a conversation evolve from attractive men to roommate orgies would be weird with anyone else, but you get me.
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
Happy birthday, you long dick monster
It is not a successful senior year unless you show up to campus without pants at least once, right?
My mute roommate is using sign language to ask a guy to fuck her.
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
The guy I hooked up with last night left me alone with his dog AND IT JUST SHIT ON THE FLOOR. WHAT DO I DO
I feel like I don't even know what's gonna happen when we first see each other. It'll be like explosions and glitter and a unicorn will run by pulling a sleigh of alcohol and sex.
a reward? ill think of something
if its not drugs or food I swear to god ill throw a fit
Randomize
