My number went up to seventeen today. I forgot to add my random hookup on a sailboat.
My bosses just told me they met their wives on one night stands. I'm stoked.
So i'm in a museum and theres a punch bowl from 1765 with a picture of 3 men forcing the 4th to drink the punch bowl. Colonial hazing
When u wake up, don't be alarmed by the passed out mariachi band, they're cool. Muchos gracias
There's gotta be a happy medium between the guys who only want to sleep with me and the ones that respect me too much to try to sleep with me.
I think the world is coming to an end. Earthquakes, huricanes, floods, and now you say you LOVE him. Im building a shelter and going into hiding.
I'm about to do the walk of shame in a christmas onesie. What would I do without christmas sweater party season?
When did our fuck buddy relationship, turn into me babysitting his dog?
And please let him know I don't normally go off on long rants about feminist theory. That was totally the vodka talking.
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
How about this: I support you through your miserable marriage, and you support me through all my anonymous sex?
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
Do you know how difficult it is to snap a good dick pic while driving?
She blew me while I watched the jets game and the hardest thing was deciding what to focus on more
Want to meet at a cool spot and just park like cops side-by-side and you can eat some potatoes and I can smoke a cigarette in your face?
Randomize
