hide the guitars, Nate just learned to play free fallin'
He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
He's pole dancing on a heat lamp.
How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
Hes sobering up now. He was just really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while he was telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together..
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
We started pregaming at 8. It's 11, and her only 11:11 wish is to be sober. It's hard to not love her.
YOU MAKE ANAL SEX SOUND LIKE A SPORTING EVENT
He literally took a shit in my bathroom and then broke up with me.
My ninety day supply of adderal just came in the mail and I literally just dumped all 180 pills into my hands and laughed like a maniac. Shits about to get cray
Blow jobs in the hobby lobby parking lot, oh lawd there gonna pray for me when they review those tapes ...
It's 4:30 AM and I just walked through a line of 10 deer without them freaking out. I am the campus deer king.
SMOKEY THE BEAR CAME AT US WITH FUCKING AXES IN MY DREAM I THINK IT IS A SIGN TO STOP BLAZING IT IN THE WOODS
I don't think he understands that his kid doesn't bother me. I have a binder full of developmentally appropriate early childhood activities.
Either go for divorced men who are forty plus or stop doing this immediately. You are 23 years old. You need more wine and less baby fever
The only good thing about being back at work is supply room boom boom with my office husband
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