The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
Ok a condom literally fell out of my underwear this morning, i have never been so confused.
The Shake Weight not only toned my arms but significantly improved my hand job form and efficiency.
I still can't figure out why that's not in the commercial.
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
they would be such cute babies and they would grow up to have huge dicks. and that would make me proud as a mother
Did you ever stop and think that god invented whiskey dick specifically for me
Sent him a picture of my pregnant boobs from last year, think he'll notice the difference?
You're always so generous when it comes to your dick.
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
Had sex in a blanket fort. How was your weekend?
I just did the math technically I'll be drunk until 2:30-3:00pm
A to Z: fucking your way through the alphabet
It'll be a kids book
The condoms have been found. I repeat: THE CONDOMS HAVE BEEN FOUND. he isn't a collector!!!
I'm glad that we laid to rest the suspicion that he was keeping them in a scrapbook. yayy
Atleast we had sex on the couch before your ex took it from you
Remember, today is also the anniversary of Harambe's death. D**** out.
Randomize
