She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
If Jon and Kate can get divorced...how hard can it be for me?
Girls don't like it when you cum inside them and then discuss baby names.
I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
when we were having sex and i started crying and telling you i missed you..why couldnt you stop and tell me how you felt or make me feel better?you kept going...
He's trying to get everyone in the bathtub for a team meeting about how we're gonna find his car. Which is parked outside. Think we should cut him off?
i DID try to find you last night. i asked where you were and you texted me the letter "e" and a picture of the dark.
Were going to have to vacuum the bathtub, great party
You were crying and singing wanted dead or alive while trying to eat cold soup, I think that pathetic is an understatement
I see your walk of shame and raise you a day in jail wearing a girls old workout clothes.
Well just watched a guy puke in a trash can then proceed to pick pizza outta said trash can and eat it
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
Never thought having a box of Cheerios could get me laid. My new lucky charm hello girl in 2B
Wall of shame with a backpack full of beer bottles, cowboy hat in hand, and a handlebar mustache. I was applauded by a passing car
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