he was uncircumcised...I HAVE NOT YET REACHED THAT SKILL LEVEL OF DICK
I was just about to go down on her when she gave herself a "smell check" and said "no, not today".
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
You asked me to be the big spoon, when you passed out on the stairs
i tried to climb in the window in the limo because i wanted the driver to take me to get noodles. ive reached a new level of fat kid
I'm like a walking PSA for tequila shots
Lets start a coed nudist frat/sorority. It would be amazing. Or just an orgy club. It would also be amazing
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
Well, I made it all the way to the gas station. And from there, I begged a cab driver who was parked outside, to give me a piggy back ride the final 2 blocks to my apartment. I wasn't in the cab. Didn't have to pay. Drunk me is smart, and very lazy.
We fucked, she finished, high fived me, the pulled a celebratory pack of gushers out of her purse for each of us. I'm going to marry your sister dude.
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work
I just want to say that I've always loved you and you are my best friend ever
You gave that creepy guy my number, didn't you? You really need to learn how to just say no, not interested.
I have vodka, fruit gushers, and health insurance. Let's party.
If history is any guide, his morals are no match for my tits
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