is it wrong that I prefer my women with low self esteem and a smidgen of an eating disorder?
You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
What do I wear to meet his family/put his dog to sleep? Is there even an appropriate outfit for this occasion?
I think I died last night. I had 14 beers..well 13 1/2 if you count the one that got spilled on the baby in the elevator.
My meds have diminished my sex drive, this must be what regular women feel like
You just kept screaming at everyone 'not to break your scarf' and doing somersaults
You can glorify being single all you want but relationships are awesome. I haven't gone more than 24 hours without sex since June.
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
I just need to find someone whose kink is financial submission.
Woke up snuggling with a large wooden rhino that I stole last night...obviously, we had fun.
You almost got us killed.
YOU’RE WELCOME FOR NAVIGATING YOU TO A ONCE IN A LIFETIME EXPERIENCE.
I’M PUT OFF FROM FOOD RN BC EARLIER I GOT SOME WATER AND I WAS 4 SIPS IN WHEN I NOticed A FUCKING BURGER KING F R Y IN MY D R I N K
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
Randomize
