My mouth holds just enough water for my bong
Just blew a perc off the traytable on my flight, spring break has begun!!
i'm gonna start fucking more girls with asthma. help feed my ego.
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
Im going to hell in a hand basket. With a ribbon tied to my head. I'll be like a puppy for the devil.
I am way too attached to fictional lesbians.
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
This mustache is awesome. I can't pass by a mirror without looking in it and thinking damn, I'd like to give that guy a handy.
Literally breaking up to my boyfriend while jamming out to Feraglicious
you know you're in deep when you watch fear and loathing in las vegas and every damn scene is relatable.
He got me to hold his phone, wallet, keys and pants while he hooked up with another girl.
honestly, you deserve someone taller anyways
You threw a beachball full of vodka at me and yelled I CHOOSE YOU then ran
If I'm getting through this pandemic I'm doing it drunk.
He really is. Owns his own house and has more than one towel!
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