did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
In my defense it was my birthday and I really wanted to do it.
Post-sex chicken soup was such a good idea. It's been like an hour and I'm still applauding myself
He was going down on me and raised up for a minute, slipped and punched me in the face. My lady boner left immediately.
I just found a video on my phone from last night of you yelling, "you can't fuck me!" at least 20 times
the parents are super pissed...made eye contact with the mom while going down on another girl
My penis has a 100% approval rating. He has never received a formal complaint. If you'd like to file one, you can go fuck yourself.
Just found a pic on my phone of you on squatting on the hood of a police car about to take a dump. Care to explain what happened last night?
Exactly. This is the bit where I learn a heartwarming lesson about not making my drinks half vodka
you were yelling that somebody needed to take your bra off with such enthusiasm my first thought was that you were on fire.
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
I didnt realize until i got your email that what i've been missing in my life is someone to send me dog gifs
I think I'm in the negatives for the quantity of fucks given today.
Crying into a glass of wine at 10 am isn't exactly how I planned this day to go
Get the fuck in, we're going to Taco Bell.
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