Kris Allen: Jason Mraz mixed with John Mayer and a splash of orgasmmm
who knew getting puke in ur hair could make it look so cute and curly. minus the crusty puke part
I think he's on the stoner protein diet. I just saw him, at 3 am, spreading mayo on a slice of deli ham and sprinkling salt on top.
Dude, you walked in on me 5 times each times you had a different person with you. And each time you lifted the covers up and said 'whats going on in here'
WHAT? When did I ever refer to one of my past hookups as "the rainforest guy"?
I kept trying to give you water and you kept spitting it back at me. You looked like a camel. People were staring
i just remembered that i did the "single ladies" dance ON THE BAR...fuck you slippery nipples i curse the day i discovered you
unfortunetly they frown upon drunk on duty paramedics
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
I ended up naked with smirnoff caps on my nipples. Dignity is now a completely foreign concept to me.
He thinks he's a sex addict. Just. My. Type.
You forgot your "boyfriend" from last night on my couch. You're suppose to bring that shit with you.
I am not getting you a goat.
Fair enough. I am not going out with you. The goat was not negotiable.
It's so hard to fall asleep when I can hear your genitals smacking against hers. I hate you with all the love in my heart.
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
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