i just saw an asian skipping down the street and it made me think of you
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
Have fun at school today. Try to hide that you're a whore. The other girls will like you better that way.
He threw up. He never throws up. It was like finding out superman cant fly anymore. I was so sad for him.
Oh shit. There are penis maracas
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
cashier rang me up and said, "white people are funny." like i'm NOT the only white person to buy just lettuce & 40 glow sticks
I woke up in bed alone w 2 bite marks on my boob... Salt and pepper shakers In my purse along w a bottle of steak sauce.... The drunkasauraus has struck again
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
i have officially banned the recreational use of bayonets.
can i text him and be like "oh yeah, forgot i kinda made out with a girl this weekend. For future reference, does this count as cheating?" ?
I just saw a stripper light her nipples on fire. Im terrified and impressed all at the same time
She asked me to dress as captain planet for halloween and told me she was gonna suck the pollution out of my dick.
we live vicariously through your huge boobs
He smells like sex and magic. I’m already naming our children
Maybe you should talk to him first
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