he broke up with me so i peed in his bed
Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
um. i met him on myspace...we text now, he lives down the street
This girl in the gym has an amazing body...too bad there's no workout routine for a face.
You always know it is going to end badly when a guy asks if he met you at a "coed naked lawn bowling party"
i seriously have like 9 pictures of people taking shots out of a vag on my camera....
Ugh. my cast still smells like fermenting hot tub water and bad decisions.
I don't even see the point of going over to his place dressed anymore.
I hope you fall on your chin.
Jealousy makes you ugly.
Who wants vodka and apple sauce
Just watched my roommate stuff a sandwich in his pocket because we're out of paper plates.
I really resent how she stayed home and ruined my plans to watch sci-fi and masturbate.
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
So, when I got arrested, they fingerprinted me. I'm getting my nails done right now and I'm pretty sure he's filing off my prints. Worth the $30.
They had to stop us from skinny dipping in the reflection pool of the Mormon temple.
You just managed to turn Doctor Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
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