no ping pong balls so we're playing beer pong with an ornament. you can't tell me that's not festive.
rolled over to window for cup of snow instead of leaving bed for water. that's how hungover
Just got my first unemployment direct deposit!!!' celebrating at the beach
Me toooooo!! Margaritas
I never knew being a drain on a functioning society would feel so good
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
It's def pee. WHY DO I PEE ON THINGS WHEN I DRINK TEQUILA
He should know he can't successfully wrestle in pudding fully clothed. Amateur.
Then he unzipped his pants and whispers, " oohhh, look out!"
Just checking to make sure you weren't kidnapped, pregnant or watching Fox News.
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
I need my sock, sombrero, maracas, and I just heard I had a light saber, if thats the case...i want that back too
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
He knocked me over backwards in my chair. I had a beer in each hand. Didn't spill a drop.
I just saw a guy in a zippo shirt buy 2 gallons of fire starter fluid and then proceed to smoke a cigarette. I feel like hes got some big plans for his tuesday.
New one isn't as good asmy ex. She won't put her tongue up my butt
Peter this is your "ex"
I stand by what i said
Randomize
