Speaking of school, I've done the math and I get laid about 10 times more often than I did before I got my law degree. $100,000 well spent.
Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
New high score, I made the stripper choke me while I was getting a lap dance last night
I'm sorry and I love you. One day we're going to live in a whore mansion with our babies and make boys cry.
Taking my infected piercing out in the parking lot of the food card place. This is one of those life defining moments that makes me sad.
He took off his priest costume and proceeded to dryhump the teletubby.
After seeing all of the pics during the trial, all I could think was "her vagina doesn't look THAT dangerous"
last night i reached the point where my boob implants paid for themselves in free drinks. to celebrate lets go out and get more free drinks tonite.
I'LL COME GET YOU. GOTTA FIND A SUIT THAT COVERS TIT BRUISES FIRST.
First thing that comes on in the morning is kanye's I can't hold my liquor. yeezus lives.
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
At least his std test came back clean, gotta look at the positives here
she made me cum so hard I dislocated my jaw. I'm keeping her
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
Randomize
