matt is drinking blue powerade and it looks like he has hypothermia. i can't take this kid anywhere.
..and then spiked the maple syrup at iHop
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
The hot guy sitting next to me in the lib is reading a book called "Impersonal sex in public places." How wrong would it be to give him my number when I bounce?
We can just keep having sex until one of us finds someone we actually like
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
Can I interview you during sex or would that be weird?
I found myself looking up beard accounts while masturbating, I guess that's what it's come to.
Let's be honest, college orientation is going to be "here's how to drink everclear"
Its a good night when you make $200 and didn't have to see any balls
I found out he hated a girl that I hate so I fucked him. My reasons for fucking guys are getting bad.
OH MY GOD YOU GUYS I JUST FOUND OUT I HAD PHONE SEX THE OTHER NIGHT
I don't know what the hell I'm going to do with myself when this is all over. I'll probably just go back to smoking pot and trying to learn italian.
Like Napoleon Dynamite?
Exactly like Napoleon Dynamite
But with bacon.
Randomize
