The last thing I remember is funneling tequila out of a pink noodle.
i don't think i ever formally apologized for that time i threw up on your dog.... well...here it is...
See, not all bad decisions involve my penis.
Thats not how it works. You get the Rachel, and then Rachel kicks you out. Don't linger or try to cuddle, its just pathetic and makes me look down on you and your penis
Being home sucks. I haven't drank in like a week. Or smoked cigs. Or done drugs. Or had sex. My body is shutting down.
Omg. It's like you're one of those deprived kids living in a third world country. We need to save you.
Hey is there a picture of me in a trash can on your phone?
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
We're looking for the removeable roof from her Miata. Winner gets a 40.
He drank his beer out of his own shoe. Its his "party trick"
Had a crazy moment last night. Had to get up, run to bathroom, pop 3 Xanax, sit on bathroom floor and rock myself in fetal position. Not my best moment.
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
Do you think it would be weird to add her on Facebook?
You just commited a felony act together, I honestly think we're beyond this.
There's something empowering about being at dinner and sitting across the table from two men you've blown.
I must be really high or they really did just bring me a banana split instead of a burger
I woke up thinking it was Friday. I was disappointed (to say the least). I am pretty sure I have gained the quarantine fifteen (but I won’t know until I try to put something other than elastic-waisted shorts on). And I am probably going to need dentures because I am grinding my teeth so much. But hey--this is temporary, right?
Randomize
