I'm walking behind a man wearing a womans shirt, heels, mens pants and a baseball hat
I did that thing where I cum for no reason again.
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
I really need to find better places to throw up. I would like to be able to use the bathroom sink the next morning for brushing my teeth
well on a positive note i hear those vitamins you take while pregnant do wonders for your nails
Just realized the guy is in my class. Unless there's another guy that had half his ear bit off at a St. Patty's party
He asked if he could pull one of my teeth "to remember me by"
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
All I can think of is a mama duck followed by her baby ducks, in brightly colored track shoes.
How high are you?
Just found some confetti on my nipple if that's any indicator of how the night went
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
i don't think i have enough personality to make it through this date sober.
That's just how I roll. I drink, then tell people I'm either not wearing underwear or I'm training to be a stripper.
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
Saw a sign that said the chorus of never gonna give you up was enough time to wash your hands. Coronavirus has Rick rolled me.
Randomize
