Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
You drink too much
No, I drink just the right amount - too often.
he just told me he'd rather go to the pirates game. i know it was desperate but i said id give him roadhead if he let me come along.
Gravity stopped and i'm discussing Greek philosophy with two guys I don't know. There's someone asleep on me. We need to use their dealer.
Also, putting laundry hampers on my head and pretending I'm an astronaut is a good way to get caught in every door frame in the house.
We're going to catch a squirrel this summer
I should start wearing my Batman shirt more often when I drink. Good things happen. All sorts of shit.
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
You shut your whore mouth, we don't talk about Drunk Nutella night.
I have visions of guys in cheetah costumes with suits over it pissing on a children how are you
I'll give you some choices for what to get me for Christmas. 1.You naked. 2.You naked 3.You naked.
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
Well you know I have tits so that's half the battle
Today we memorialize my orgasms. Taken from me over six months ago, gone too soon. Here's to hoping we'll see one again
Last night I made out with two lesbians while dancing with another girl. I'm pretty sure it wasn't even real life.
Randomize
