i love how you can even make your typing come across bitchy
THAT'LL be a good time.
and i don't know why my phone always capitalizes that word.
I walked into cold stone and the guy started preparing a supersized birthday cake remix for "Mrs. Munchies"
Dude, I think my check liver light just came on
I just got cut off for correcting the bartender's grammar. I should have never accepted that fucking editors position.
Vodka is such a love hate relationship.
Truer words have never been spoken.
Im celebrating the fact that the one guy who has ever denied me has just come out of the closet
Until she magically finds a brain, I'm going to be a dick. Fair trade. She's a idiot, I'm an ass.
He only likes me when I'm naked and I don't like being around him clothed. It's the perfect relationship.
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
He wouldn't let me leave his house until he made me orgasm once for every year I've been alive. The birthday sex song did not prepare me for this.
I think once you know a guy's chest measurements the stalking has gone too far..
Just please don't close your legs while I'm down there again. I don't want my death to be labeled as "Head crushed while giving an individual cunnilingus".
Cocaine bath bombs are a really bad idea
Just remembered someone sprayed perfume in my mouth last night after convincing me it was vodka and that i tried to herd ducks around campus and bring one home.
Randomize
