WTF why am I in the Atlanta airport?
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
I'm in the line at the airport trying not to vomit on the person in front of me. Happy Tuesday.
dudes here are drinking wine, and not in the forgivable 'just doing this to get laid' way
You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
I refuse to apologize. Any dick that comes that close to my face uninvited is gonna get bit
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
I mean jail does seem alright, all the free broth you can eat.
Promise me you will not let me do anything sexual with or to a mini horse no matter how drunk we get. Ever.
your were asleep with people making out on top of you. you didn't even look bothered by it.
all i want in life is a shot and a cock is that too much to ask
He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available
Randomize
