he has a girlfriend so we used my stuffed animals to pretend to have sex
Ever got a vibrator stuck in ur hair? Is worse that getting ur hairbrush stuck.
...well that sucks.
I justified spending $400 stocking my bar to my sister by saying it was an investment
Personally I think it's a tremendous investment
Dubbing lion king over planet earth. That stoned.
He taped the number 420 over all of his clocks
If I EVER think it's a good idea to blow someone who just showed me their synchronized swimming performance on youtube again please correct me immediately.
this is worse than the time i threw up a condom.
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
Last night I somehow got INCREDIBLY wasted & thought it was a good idea to make a group chat with all the guys I'm hooking up with and just say "bye." soo I'm hiding out till next week.
You will drink beer in a kiddie pool in your back yard but you wont bring a girl home
Baruch atah adonai DAT ASS DOE
Dude how much would someone have to pay you to get you to slide your vagina across a bald man's head because Honestly I'd do it for the experience alone. but money would be nice too\n\nI'm thinkin like 500 bucks. Maybe 700
Why are you like this.
Fun fact: I came home from the riverboat without my panties. And woke up with a different pair on.
We have massive handle of kettle and a rack of hi life
That's the happiest ive ever been at 7:48 am....
You can't hold me to anything I said last night; I was drunk on orgasms.
Randomize
