i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
so he came in me this morning and i was like WTF DUDE. i called him Daddy until he agreed to pay the full $40 for plan B. He wants to name our Patrick because it will be a st pattys day baby. absolutely NOT.
I gotta bail on the cookout tonight. Im at the er getting stitches. Re-enacting porno went horribly wrong.
I did the crab walk everywhere because I was drunk enough that it was easier than standing up.
I just lit a candle in my room using axe and a lighter, that's how bored I am. Let's get schwasted.
We'll just play it by vagina and see where it leads us
I was stopped at a light on my way home and a priest threw holy water on my car. Seems fitting after last night.
I should probably drink beer instead of rum today so I don't end up naked in my living room while I still have guest.
How are you feeling this morning?
Well, I just found day old puke in my bra, so I've been better.
Better not shit yourself at the gym.
Don't worry, I'm not gonna try making you Eskimo sisters with your mom
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
You challenged a dog groomer that she couldn't cut human hair ... How's the shaved head
I am putting clothes on to go find a brownie
In my experiences, brownies are better naked.
Hey, what's the French word for when you meet your boyfriend's friend and you have that gut feeling that you smoked pot naked in a hot tub with him at a house party years ago?
Randomize
