my roommate and her friend got reaallllly high last night and it looks like they played scrabble. one of their words is "nippal"
And then he said "I can't get blown while Gordon Bombay and Mr. Holland stare at me from the TV"
I think my penis got bigger when i lost weight
I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
he had a TATTOO on his FACE. a tattoo on your face basically says "i've gone as far in society as i'd like to."
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
My mom now keeps ice cubes on hand for my bong water. We may be able to work this relationship out.
So. Do you think marshmallow vodka in hot chocolate while eating a graham cracker would = s'mores?
In some strange universe, yes
I feel like we should at least be hungover if we're gonna be this grown up.
She said I'm so hungry I could eat a dick and winked at me
I feel like I'm laying on a pillow cloud. With little baby angel fingers between me and the cloud lifting me up. Singing hymns in my ear.
Burritos, beer, and hot tub sex. Merry Christmas to me.
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
I did stay at work til 5 but for the last hour I was just taking naked pics on my desk for some tinder guy
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
Randomize
