I'm half single.
Please tell me it's the bottom half.
what happens if a cat eats a birth control pill? i mean i don't care about the cat i really just don't want to get pregnant
I may or may not have screamed I'M ON A BOAT while having sex...on a boat. I think I was born to have sex with him.
We just all danced like dinosaurs in the center of the dance floor.
I woke up in my girlfriends bed with another guy laying next to me. wtf.
He just sent me a dick pic with his iPod held up next to it and the words "in relation to iPod." Geekiest booty call ever.
now that we've slept with the entire soccer team i think its time to expand the horizon.
Went to 3 separate liquor stores today and I just made a huge tray of jello shots. This will be the Thanksgiving that puts all the others to shame.
It's hot as dicks out. Lets get drunk on the roof and make pterodactyl sounds at people.
My horseshoe mustache feels at home at this bar.
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
masturbating on the freeway is more stressful than it sounds
and idk now I have nine bags of lettuce in my fridge
Apparently, im the only one in the world who thinks Larry King is hot.
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