Eating a burrito bowl w/ queso sauce is about as cool as the first time you have sex w/ out a condom
My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
It had been so long since my last time that it was easily a double helping of stomach pancakes. I think she was mildly impressed.
Its like they don't get that I only talk to them before homecoming, thanksgiving, or any other time I go home. I love highschool girls.
i put his shirt in a ziplock bag to preserve his smell
please tell me you are kidding me
Got him to take a shot from the drip pan on the George Forman. He's gone now.
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
A guy is going to be inside me and I'm gunna start singing "I am stuck on your penis, cause your penis is stuck in meeee!"
Monday is now my bitch. I just did 20 naked push ups on the bar for $20
I want you to get your positive energy all over me. I want to to look like something from Ghostbusters.
I'm not real sure what dinosaurs sound like, but dude, she made dinosaur noises.
So I just got motorboated by my grandma…
I walked in on a circlejerk after punching that guy out. Instant karma.
"keg stand!" on a roof abruptly turned into "call the medics"
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
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