He's so far in the closet he's in Narnia
Dude dan is so baked he taped his remote to the futon so he couldn't lose it again. Come over here
I'm pretty sure my penis yawned halfway through. That loose.
Said he had been eating pineapple for a week before our 1st date. Not sure if thankful for his consideration or offended by his assumption.
I woke up exactly where I passed out... on top of him yet he somehow put his pants back on
I actually didn't mind her sub-par blowjob skills.. It took me back to a time when skipping class was noticed, and my liver didn't look like a worn out shoe
was it me or did you scream 'champagne motherfucker' when you punched him in the face ??
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
Last night all you did was whine about how you needed something new and exciting
Is THAT why I woke up with dreadlocks?
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
I swear to god he's making pineapple onions and cheese. He thinks he's making eggs onions and cheese
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
Do me a favor and don't mention him I feel like Regina George and I just want to scream I made him
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
he just fucked me for my cheese.
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