Come to wood. Julia is putting pants on. We must stop her.
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
I'm drunk and you're awesome. let's stay this way forever.
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
I'm at a bar. It's body paint Wednesday. All of the waitresses are topless. Help me
At one point 12 people dressed in care bear onesies were up on stage grinding super nasty, and two of the girl Care Bears were making out.
If this wasn't a hallucination, we need to go to this magical kingdom every night of the week.
I didn't know your ex looked like a male Khloe Kardashian?
I sucked his dick by a creek, how romantic.
if i drink i'll go into liver failure but ok
totally worth it, dude its $1 pbr
I made it out of the house. Success.
It's not better out here. I'm at Target hyperventilating in the aisles.
You like pics of my balls that much?
I am at the store looking at frames as we text...
Yeah. I fucked her boyfriend, she knows, and she still wants to keep dating him. That's love.
he was really really nice, and I did coke off of his dong that night too
It was like I was gay for pay but except being gay I became straight and instead of for pay it was for coke.
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
