masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
If you're trying to subtly tell me that I look like Connie Chung, just stop it. I already know.
Also got home. Still stoned. Mom was up. We made a pizza and were writing a children's book. Sleep good.
Oh my gosh they are following me around the bar
Blow your rape whistle
Whatever. He's going to tie me up tonight whether he wants to or not.
I am too hungover to address any of this right now, every time i move it feels like i'm being bitch slapped by the hand of God
He fucked me so hard I had an asthma attack. I'm like the sickly poster child for celibacy.
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
I can't even spell what he said he was on. And I had to call 4 people before someone had heard of it.
I would literally only have sex with a dinosaur right now.
So let me get this straight I was getting drunk with our science teacher from high school and you got drunk with an 82 year old woman who invited you back to her house and made you sandwiches.
Yes.
Saw a thong on the yellow lines of the street when I left this morning, are they yours by any chance?
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
He had me sit on his face until I begged him to stop, then held me there 5 minutes longer. I rested my head on his chest, told him I needed time to recover....and slept for 6 hours. By the time I woke, he was already at work. I just sent him a countdown times until his shift is over.
Randomize
