im spending all my christmas money on new years parafanalia aka things I will ingest or lose by the next morning
super high. so of course there was a shoot out at the bank. there are 20 cop cars no lie. if i make it out of this i will never smoke again
Come find me please? Im in a ditch.
That doesn't help me much...
I'm right under the moon!
also, I just found three random bruises on my knee. probably from when I was velcrod to the stairs
The one wearing a viking helmet and holding a bottle of Smirnoff. She's laying on the floor of the tube singing "cant find my way home" . You can't miss her..
I ended up driving home on my birthday, he opened the door to puke on the highway, and animal balloons were flying out of the car the entire time. The people behind us got a show.
... I went down on him at the movies. I feel like Alanis Morisette.
So... Apparently, "Home" isn't the correct response when a cop asks for your address...
Psh a bachelors degree is the new adulthood. We're all just pretending anyways. I'm sitting on my boyfriends couch while he's passed out drunk. In my lap. On a Wednesday. And he's a nurse. See, pretending to be an adult
We're like adult pinky and the brain when they decided that taking over the world is unrealistic so they aim lower by trying to get drunk every day.
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
How did people get blow jobs before text messaging?
Let the healthy eats/juice cleanse begin. Today is day 1
Have you cleansed yourself of the boy yet?
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