you can still come hang out if you want
I really don't feel like watching you play video games
You were parading around the bar chugging girls drinks and then asking them if you could buy them a drink. It was actually genius
If relationships were based on ego stroking and meaningless sex, we'd be soulmates
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
The fact that I woke up with my panties on the counter and a piece of pizza stuck in my sheets is what scares me.
dude, i woke up with a mini keg on my night stand. again. like wtf
Just so we're clear this time around: This is dinner with my FAMILY. Not an opportunity for you to drink too much, and use the word "dick-thumpin" in casual conversation.
Claiming territory at this party means signing a girls ass...I've got dibs on a blonde
Cops are just so fun an beautifuk
bro your seconds weren't very sloppy last night, is everything ok?
I need drugs. Hard drugs. Today. Not tomorrow. Today. Something relaxing.
Give me a reason to not spend the rest of my evening high watching dogs 101 videos
I'll pass on that plan. The lack of my penis in new vaginas is no where on the itinerary.
High. As. Fuck. I thought the kid next to me didn't have an arm for like 2 hours.
Hahahaha I'm glad you woke me up with this text.
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
Randomize
