I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
this guy is so high, he just ate half of a frozen blueberry muffin and half of a frozen poppyseed muffin, then proceeded to make a "hybrid poppyberry muffin"
come back what if one of your parents walks in and im just sitting here eating a cheesesteak without you
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
I couldn't find the bathroom last night...so I wrapped myself in the curtains and stuck my butt out the window and peed from two stories up. Thank god I don't remember.
Sorry I need more motivation then McDonalds and mojitos.
my question is who was more confortable? You sleeping on the floor or me tweeting from a bush?
somehow this went from sexting to explaining my eating disorder.
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
I'm not sure when I will get off this toilet at work but it's not looking promising
This may be the alcohol talking, but I'm pretty sure I know Spanish now
Think of it as a business transaction. That's how I justify all the horrible things I do. Blow my married boss? Just a business transaction.
I wanted to write an apology letter to my vagina after that.
Yeah that stuff was rough. We insisted on wearing our bikinis all down college ave, and at several parties that were not beach themed
I shit myself and fell down the stairs and I’m still finding shit In those pants.
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