Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
All was going smooth until he pulled a condom out of his collection he kept in a Cheesy Gordita Crunch Box from Taco Bell.
He soundtracked our prebreakup sex, our breakup, and out postbreakup sex. At least he's dedicated.
he was terrible at kissing, so i just kept letting him motorboat me. he seemed very pleased with my choice
he left me a note this morning. it said "thank you for letting me touch you"
i just successfully used the word "hymen" in a paper...welcome to senior seminar in lit.
Thanks for the ave Maria song you left on my phone that lasted for TEN minutes.
bleeding from the face, sitting in a shopping cart and holding a wad of ripped caution tape. what else would i be doing?
idk man, i just want to be a bad influence for future generations
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
You're never the same once you're dry humped on the frat house floor
I really have to stop going to the movies high. Spending $10 to not know what the fuck is going on is starting to get pricey.
Not sure what time I'll be home. I'm currently topless and the damn stripper won't give me my clothes back
Oh my fucking god, I was conceived on the first date.
Do you ever have one of those days when your breasts are just fucking awesome?
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