i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
Bro, i just sang journey's "dont stop beleavin" at mcdonalds. and the guy was sooo impressed he gave us free food. God i love america
Theres a fat guy wearing a speedo. Someone just got puked on, and didnt even react. Whats happening?
Some rando is vomiting profusely into the garden outside the employee entrance. Where are you when things like this happen to me?
Vomiting outside the employee entrance
so, give him that "thank you for fighting for my freedom bj" & he wont even remember what you said in that six min voice mail.
STOP WHATEVER YOU ARE DOING AND GO OUTSIDE RIGHT NOW. THE MOON LOOKS LIKE CATWOMAN
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
Best sex of my life. But I think it's because I like his apartment. Really nice bed sheets. High vaulted ceilings. I wanted to lay there forever.
You're getting old. Was it located in a nice school district for your future offspring?
I like her because we want the same things out of life AND she actually wants to have sex with me.
He sent me a dick pic from his living room and it has pictures of his three kids in the background
Sent him a nude and I forgot to crop out the Jesus picture in the background. The Catholic guilt is too real.
Mom has wine in a to go cup. It's that kind of night.
I don't care if his family has ties to the mafia, you go over there, ride his dick until it breaks off, put his dick back on, and keep on riding. Lather, rinse, repeat.
Thanks for the support, sis.
She won't let me meet her hot new boy toy just because she thinks it'll lead to us having a threesome. It's not fair. I thought we were friends...
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