i'm saving my butt for my wedding night
I think I took your hangover as a birthday present
He should be on Bizare Foods after who he ate last night
Sober December ended when I found beer behind my bed...I lost $2000 but spent 6 hours sober. Meet me at the bar?
if your not going to answer your phone this is just going to be an embarrassment tomorrow
I'm functioning at the level of a challenged walrus.
He sat on me and said I owed him $10, when I asked why he just said "lap dance"
I walked in and found you petting your fish outside the bowl, you said its fine, you do this all the Time.
WE HAVE TO LEAVE. I HAVE HAD SEX WITH WAY TOO MANY PEOPLE IN THIS BUS STATION.
I just left and he walked me out and went call me if you're ever... Eh... Whatever. And walked away.
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
I 100% barfed while bumping the DMX remix of reading rainbow
Well it might’ve been because you asked to play What Makes You Beautiful at the club
sam was dropping a deuce next to me. wrote me a note that said "glad we shared this experience." passed it under the wrong stall. the other guy picked it up. that's all I know so far.
She grabbed a $20 bill out of my hand, calling it a lap dance coupon and then she dragged me into her bedroom. I think I’m in love
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