anyone who buys me chipotle gets an automatic hj
Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
We drank a $4 handle of tequila until 5 am. Please think about that.
Do you think flip cup during wine tasting is a bad idea? They're perfect flipping cups...
being alone eating nachos and drinking from a giant munchen beermug really isnt that sad
Just woke up to find myself in a random bed with two people next to me having sex. I thought it would be awkward to just suddenly get up so i think I'm gonna lie here and pretend I'm still sleeping.
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
I'm home alone for the next hour and a half, I expect soup and and a willing attitude to do drugs from one of or both of you girls.....annnnnd go
If someone told me one person in the department was secretly a death eater, I would suspect her, no contest.
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
So chicken strips and confidence do not you make you sober.
Randomize
