Before he took my jeans off all he said was "no hard feelings from middle school right?"
found out this morning via facebook that the guy i met last night has a wife and a baby and he took me to his apartment where he takes girls to cheat on his wife
i mean you met him at the daytona 500
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
Im at the zoo right now high out of my mind and feel as if the animals are watching me and Im the one in a cage.
Its so hard looking at my mom and pretending I'm not dying a slow death of binge drinking
i woke up completely naked except for a bottle of beer saran wrapped in between my boobs
I wish a box of wine came w a hose. It'd be so much easier to drink from.
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
When you put the phrases "just out of shower" and "did you get the picture" that close together, a picture of hamburger helper is not exactly what I expected to pop up.
I just masturbated in the tanning bed stoned. Best decision of my life
Just puked in a cup. Poured it out the window.
Happy Father's Day to the first man I called Daddy while cumming.
Dude, you were so drunk you were hanging from the ceiling of my car pretending you were a sloth while we were on 81.
That's just how I roll. I drink, then tell people I'm either not wearing underwear or I'm training to be a stripper.
Randomize
