Do you have a shampoo for semen
Or a time machine
I have one thing to say: spongebath.
I wish that wasn't all you had to say. And by that, I mean I wish you hadn't said that at all.
So im going to watch Hocus Pocus in my footie pajamas... How am I in college?
new girl just came onto the hall stumbling drunk with no shoes on and the guy who brought her doesn't have them either
I'm sorry to inform you but your friends with benefits card has expired has the beginning of the year. If you wish to renew your card you must submit a picture of a fully erect penis. Please note that not all request for a FWB card is accepted.
I wore my front clasp bra so he would have to prove his sobriety to me before we had sex.
My goal is to upperdeck the house I'm at, because it's some girl I don't know's birthday. Welcome to adulthood, bitch.
Who is he, asking me if im dtf without a question mark
...
i would really love it if at least once per weekend i did not wake up to you half naked passed out on the floor
She proposed we share a dildo. Hopefully she was joking.
Drunk me really does appreciate that sober me made a list of movies to watch when drunk it saves so much time
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
Enjoy the penises
You kept flirting with some guy while I was throwing up on the sidewalk, and I screamed YOU DON'T LIKE MEN
He’s definitely circumcised. There’s not enough room in those speedos for a foreskin with that fire hose he’s packing.
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