i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
Any parent would be proud to have a daughter that's a blowjob fairy
He considered it romantic when he told me mid-blow job that no matter what happens, he will "never forget how good of a dick I suck". Verbatim.
my head hurts. i need an adult
and not like a cool parent adult. like a full fledged party pooper grandparent adult
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
Dude. Get me out of here. I'm surrounded by glitter-faced 40 year olds in halter tops. The desperation here is so thick you can taste it.
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
Shower sex is an art that should not be attemted drunk
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
How many nights in 2015 can we have no one get injured, run away crying, or get into a brawl?
I'd climb him like a horny MILF spider monkey.
Swear on my life the dude next to us just ordered a pizza and I will fight to the death for a slice
Married dude I had an affair with 10yrs ago was at table next to us at dinner last nite. My mom asked him to take a pic of us & then commented how cute he was as they left. Do I tell her he’s got a huge D too?
He adjusted my bra straps while I blew him.
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