i effin hate jeff goldbloom.
but i totally would still bang him
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
I am not old enough to be running into past fucks at the bank. This is at least a twenty five year old milestone.
i dont know everytime i see her teeth i get erectile disfunction
She's more than welcome to come too, so long as she has gotten over that me being responsible for the death of her cat thing.
we had to stop you from eating moldy cake.. twice.
He looks like the kind of guy that would jack off to weird things.
At least my fat-chick-ratio has not been that bad this semester ...
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
My middle name is suave and my vagina shoots rainbows, what else would you expect?
You're best friend just tackled me....naked....brought me to his room where he had freshly baked cinnamon rolls. I didn't know he could cook
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
You don't get to call me bro after you've had your dick in me.
i said cake fell into my bra, you stood up and yelled "Im coming soldier", leaped acrossed the couch and started motorboating my boobs. i would have been cool with it if your mom didnt keep calling me the "lesbiainizer"
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
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