what happened last night?
u kept telling him to fuck u optimus prime style
that explains why his roommate kept saying autobots roll out this morning as i left
so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
All I'm saying is that she needs to invest in some razors. But her head game is great. The pros and cons in last minute hook-ups
Chicken salad taco, you know, when you're out of bread and crackers, and high.
He's like Medusa, you can't look directly into his eyes or you'll turn into a slut.
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
You've been drinking wine and eating bacon all afternoon. HOW IS THAT DOING GOOD?!?!
Im pretty sure at one point a very high you yelled, with actual tears in your eyes, "im not wrestling with you anymore, you dont respect my safe word!!"
Mainly I just wanna pet bunnies. And purple chicks. Well any color chicks if I close my eyes. But purple if I open them.
Ever walked into a basement full of 10 guys jerking it to a live stripper? Cause I have. Always confirm the address of a house party. Always.
..puke & rally mid art final. HAPPY CINCO DE MAYO!
Also I stopped in the middle of the road and put my hazards on because BUNNIES WERE PLAYING
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
I would say that that is the last time I ever drink a bottle of jack in two hours, but really who am I kidding?
My walk of shame turned into having to get his dad to tow my best friends car out of the snowbank in his driveway
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