omg i can't drink anymore.. i just pulled up my dress and started playing with my vagina
:)
Wipe that smile off your face.
Been drinkin since 3, wearing a tutu, how could things go wrong
Just shot my load on a stink bug. Thought you should know.
just found deep spiritual meaning in spongebob.... that high.
I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
Afraid I'm about to get arrested. Complicated situation but not a joke. If I do not text again that all is clear within 90 minutes kindly begin bail process. I have the cash to repay as soon as I get home. Details later.
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
my binge eating and her being stoned all the time has reduced us to a bowl of chinese candies, frozen bacon and a stick of butter, we do however have enough alcohol to start our own liquor store.
The dorm caught on fire so it turned into a 5am pool party
I asked him why the bed was wet and got.."well there are two options... and its not you."
Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
My now ex hook up buddy realized I was hooking up with others when she saw my spotify sex playlist making appearances on fb. fml
He called me saying he got nice rims for his car so now we can fuck in style
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