Life is so much better after having sex.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
she's like bobby knight all she does is scream and point
he put on The Eye of the Tiger while she was in labor.
You were like pukeahontas last night, you tried to tell us you were okay, then you puked in the garden.
Hint of advice dont get with minor league baseball players, you can google their stats but not their stds.
The best way to start drinking is as early as possible. eg, this bar isn't open but we're patiently waiting outside. That way you're confident and exciting when the talent arrives. Or too drunk to care.
I'm being responsible and going as a gay, slutty Mormon missionary. It's responsible because I'll have a bike helmet on for when I fall over because I'm too shitfaced to stand upright. It's safer than Count Fagula. I just need to come up with a line equal or greater than "Blaaaa I want to suck your dick"
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
I think I hit my head on every surface in that apartment last night
Woke up with two different flip flops on sum burnt at the beach. Who are these French kids plz come back
Guess who just bought an ounce of pot via Paypal, and paid for it with my airline Visa card to earn miles?
Congratulations. That business degree is finally worth every penny it cost you.
So you're mad that I let you go home with the guy with soft hands but yet you can't understand that I was just trying to help you
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
I wish drug dealers had sales for the holidays
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