someone threw a dead crab at me
she said "lets play dickbreaker!" and then threw my blackberry at my dick as hard as she could.
I got drunk and smashed his tv with the keg and so he blames me for being evicted.
You better drive. If I decide to let them talk me into a 3-way, I don't want you to be stranded.
It was romantic. He brought over a bottle of Jack to celebrate us becoming official on Facebook. Definitely a story for the grandkids.
I'll throw in a blow job for your kind ways. Or another booty call. I'm poor and not very imaginative. This is all I have to offer- the unicorn like wonders of my vagina.
When I told her that her boyfriend was making out with another chick, all she said was "which one"
i have this gut feeling friday is going to be interesting.\nAnd by interesting I mean I feel like im going to get punched in the face by his girlfriend.
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
I hope I take a shit on your face in your dreams tonight.
THEY HAVE VIAGRA FLAVORED GELATO
We ate sushi in a hospital bed, then fucked in a bathroom while I wore a gown. Pretty sure she's the one
I mean, I let him sleep with me after we both ate taco bell sober... That's kinda like love, right?
Wtf happened last night
You traded your bra for a shot so I'd say you probably don't wanna know
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
Randomize
